Strengthen your relationship with yourself – ways to increase self-love
Have you ever thought about what it would be like to be in a relationship with yourself? Are you as kind to yourself as you are to your partners? Do you truly love yourself as much as you want and expect another person to love you? If you said no or hesitated on any of these questions, it may be fruitful to enhance your self-love. Currently, there are many societal pressures to be perfectionistic and self-less beings which make it difficult to cultivate self-love and self-compassion. Contrary to what people may think, putting others in front of themselves is not an effective or efficient way to achieve happiness or success. Rather to live full lives, it is necessary to increase self-love and self-compassion. Various research studies have linked self-love and self-compassion to an overall positive wellbeing, a reduction in psychopathology (i.e., decreases in depression, anxiety, and interpersonal stress), and increased resiliency in the face of stressors. Self-love and self-compassion require introspection and practice. Below are six strategies to aid in your journey to improving self-love!
1) Practice Mindfulness
The core tenet of self-love is mindfulness practice. Unlike common perception, mindfulness is more than mediation and silence - it is about being in the present moment and noticing any judgments that may arise. Mindfulness allows people to actually acknowledge their emotional experiences and more quickly recognize shifts in their thoughts and emotions. This way, people can slow down their actions and make well thought out decisions. To practice mindfulness, stay focused on one thing at a time and fully immerse yourself in that activity, experience, sensation, etc. Any activity can be considered a mindfulness practice as long as you are in the present moment, focused on one thing at a time, and you fully participate. Here are a few other examples of mindfulness practices – mindful eating or drinking (focus only on the smell or taste of the food or drink), engaging all five senses individually (look at images/objects as if you were seeing them for the first time; find your favorite scent and only focus on the smell for 1 minute; close your eyes and find 5 different sounds around you; touch an object for 1 minute noticing the different textures; eat a piece of chocolate and notice the different layers of flavor), notice the way your body feels when sitting in a chair; follow your inhales and exhales for 30 seconds, or fully participate in a workout class or a run. You can even watch reality TV mindfully by noticing any judgements that come to mind, acknowledging that you had these thoughts, and letting them go as if those thoughts slid off a non-stick pan.
2) Prioritize yourself
Self-love is putting yourself first. This can be very tricky for many people as it is common for people to put the needs of others before their own. If you are someone who often does not prioritize yourself, think of the reasons why you may do this – do you feel as though you are not deserving or worth your time? Do you feel like a bad person if you focus on yourself? Do you feel selfish? Did you learn that putting others first truly brings you happiness? Unfortunately, this logic is flawed. What ultimately brings you happiness may not be the same as what makes another person happy. To preserve self-love, it is important to indulge in yourself and start being selfish. To practice this, do one thing a day that you need/want to, not because you feel that you have to or you think that it may make another person happy, be intentional and commit to doing one thing for yourself. This could be as small as ordering your favorite smoothie or coffee drink before class or work, or actually voicing what type of restaurant you want to go to when your friends or partner ask. You will be much more satisfied with your experience when it is aligned with what you want, and you will reduce the chance of negative feelings of regret or resentment. Once you have become more comfortable putting yourself first, begin to focus on things that you need rather than want. Stay true to your values and prioritize your needs to achieve a greater sense of self-love and more positive, fulfilling outcomes.
3) Set healthy relationship boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries for yourself in your day to day life is important AND it is important to apply this same mentality to your relationships. Take a few moments to think about all your relationships and ask yourself how you are benefitting from each relationship. Are there some relationships that you are holding on to that cause you pain or suffering more often than happiness or joy? Determine which relationships are healthy and you want to keep, and which relationships are unhealthy and you want to get rid of them. Be fair to yourself. Surrounding yourself with positive people in your life will increase your self-love. Be truthful. Recognize which relationships you want to focus your effort and energy on and work to foster these. Don’t be afraid to end relationships that you feel are unhealthy or harming you in some way. Now this is incredibly difficult to do, and you will be happier and more satisfied when you stop wasting your time and energy on relationships that are not worth it. Again, consult your values when determining if a relationship is healthy or unhealthy. Reframe your thinking when you say no to people that it is not because you are being “mean,” it is because you are prioritizing yourself and your values; therefore, ultimately, saying no may be a step in recognizing your self-worth.
4) Use self-talk
Words are incredibly powerful. What we say to ourselves directly influences our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It is important to be mindful of the specific phrases that we use on a daily basis. To acknowledge your style of self-talk, you must listen to yourself and become more aware of the things you say internally. Are you someone who after uses “should” language or blames yourself for things that are truly out of your control? Are you someone who is constantly thinking about past or future events? How many times a day do you actually say positive things to yourself? To practice self-love, use positive self-talk throughout the day. You can start small. When you make it to class or work on time, congratulate yourself. When you complete 10 minutes of a workout, congratulate yourself. When you push yourself out of your comfortable zone whether at work, with friends or family, or at home, congratulate yourself. Show yourself gratitude for doing the best you can in every moment even in those moments when you may feel as though you are not at your best - it is okay! Come up with a list of positive affirmations for yourself. Positive affirmations have been linked to reducing stress, depressive and anxious symptoms, and self-sabotaging statements, and increasing self-confidence and self-esteem. Lastly, forgive yourself. You are your hardest critic. Make sure you treat yourself as you would any other person and forgive yourself for being human. Everyone makes mistakes, is late, misses a deadline, gets a grade less than they want… it is okay that these things happen. These mishaps are not failures, they are lessons learned for personal growth.
5) Practice self-care and be intentional
Self-love is fostered through taking care of yourself. When you take care of your mind and body these tips will come more easily and naturally. Practice self-care by focusing on your basic needs. Be honest with yourself about these basic needs. Are you taking care of yourself emotionally and physically? Are you eating a balanced diet? Do you practice good sleep hygiene? Do you exercise regularly? Loving yourself requires you to love your mind and your body. It is incredibly important to make sure that you are putting healthy, sustainable fuel in your body and engaging in physical activity. Proper nutrition and exercise reduce fatigue, depression, and anxiety, and increase concentration, mental clarity, and productivity. When engaging in self-care, think about whether your self-care practices are helping you cultivate an intentional life. You will experience an increase in self-love if you engage in activities that bring you meaning and purpose. Start setting goals for yourself that are attainable and feasible, and that are aligned with your values and belief systems. Being intentional in your daily activities will bring you more satisfaction and positivity.
6) Accept things you cannot change
Life is unpredictable. To practice self-love, it is essential that you acknowledge that the only thing in your power to control is yourself. Most things that cause people stress in life are out of their control. Accepting that these things are out of your control is incredibly difficult, and it is a very powerful way of reducing negative thoughts and increasing a sense of ownership. It is important to note that acceptance does not mean that you agree with the situation or outcome. By accepting that you cannot change the situation, you are practicing self-love. You will ultimately conserve more time and energy and may even find that you give yourself more space to be creative and adapt to difficult situations or take on another perspective.
